Apa Salahku
Ketika aku mulai mengharapkan sesuatu dan memaksakan diri untuk berpikir, semua pasti akan baik-baik saja. Semua pasti berjalan seperti apa yang aku pikirkan. Nihil. Semua yang aku pikirkan mendapat nilai nol besar. Semua melenceng dari perkiraan. Entahlah. Apa yang membuat semua berbalik arah. Rasa sesal pasti ada. Karna aku yang mengharapkan. Menangis diam di satu sudut dalam kegelapan. Bermaksut memberi kabar pada sang kekasih. Malah jadi tangis-tangisan. Bilang pengen mati bosan hidup pengen bunuh diri lah. Sampai dia ikutan heboh. Nggak sanggup dengan ini semua. Dia nggak suka dengar aku bilang mati-mati. Semalam suntuk air mata mengalir seperti keran yang jebol. Nggak berhenti. Padahal di sampingku ada ibu. Mungkin dia tidur. Pikir saja begitu, makanya dia nggak dengar tangisan anak gadisnya. Esok menjelang malampun tertelan mentari. Dengan berani aku mengatakan, Maafkan aku bu.
“Kamu nggak pernah serius, bukannya merasa sedih atau gimana”.
Seandainya malam itu aku berubah menjadi hantu. Aku akan masuk kedalam mimpi malammu. Kemudian berkata. Aku sangat kecewa, rasa kecewaku melebihi rasa kecewamu. Karna aku yang bertanggungjawab atas apa yang aku lakukan. Jangan terus menyalahkan, bukan ini yang aku harapkan. Setidaknya beri aku kata-kata petuah seperti orang-orang bijak itu. Biar aku merasa tenang. Di dalam sini. Di hati. Apa harus aku menunjukkan rasa kekecewaanku dengan sikap tindakan tingkah laku atau sejenisnya. Setiap orang memiliki perbedaan untuk mengungkapkan perasaannya. Seperti kamu. Belum usai masalah hidupku. Kini bergulir seperti roda undian dingdong. Sayangnya aku tidak di beri kesempatan untuk memutar. Roda itu berputar begitu saja.
“Nggak ada kabar atau perhatian dari kamu”.
Sudah lama bahkan sudah sekian lama kita bersama. Seperti sepasang merpati yang dijadikan simbol keabadian. Apapun itu, nyata atau pun tak nyata. Sampai saat ini aku benar-benar terus ingin bersama. Entahlah. Apa yang menjadi alasanku untuk terus bertahan. Yang aku tau, aku hanya ingin bersamamu. Itu saja. Kini Tuhan benar-benar ingin menguji kita. Ya kita berdua. Bukan hanya aku. Aku rasa begitu. Kita dipisahkan oleh jarak. Jauh sangat jauh, walaupun masih dapat terhitung waktu. Tapi bagiku sangat teramat jauh. Karna sebelumnya aku tak pernah merasa seperti ini. Jauh darimu. Terlalu biasa kita selalu bersama. Hampir setengah hari. Tak ada waktu untuk mereka, hanya kita. Ya hanya kita. Aku rasa kini kamu sanggup menjalaninya. Atau memang kau sanggup. Sungguh aku tidak pernah membayangkan ini. Terlalu terbuai dengan cinta kasihmu. Kebahagian yang kamu berikan. Segalanya sayang. Kini aku terlunta lunta karnamu. Aku rindu segala tentangmu. Tak sanggup aku terus begini. Menjadi janda di kota orang. Banyak lelaki mencoba memikat. Tapi mataku pikiranku hatiku perasaanku segalanya, telanjur terpatri kepadamu. Sebaliknya aku buta atau memang mati rasa. Atau kamu telah menemukan dunia baru itu. Dunia yang memalingkanmu dari sisiku. Tak ada kabar atau pun kata sayang. Aku haus sayang. Haus tentang dirimu. Aku yang berlebihan atau kamu yang sudah mulai tidak perhatian. Sedikit demi sedikit keributan mulai ambil start. Lembut suaramu menghilang, mengikis sedikit demi sedikit. Kerasnya suaramu membuat goresan di hatiku. Bahkan kata-kata kotor sebagai julukkanmu untukku. Kamu bukan yang dulu. Entah apalagi yang akan kamu tunjukkan padaku di atas egomu. Semua kujalani tanpa melihat siapa aku. Ku korbankan waktuku kewajibanku dan duniaku hanya untukmu. Tapi apa kamu sudah buta. Kamu hanya diam melihat semua ini. Aku terima. Mungkin itu memang kamu. Ku buat pikiranku kembali berhayal. Mencoba atau ini memaksa. Memaksa berpikir bahwa di dalam hatimu saat ini kamu benar-benar mencintaiku. Aku seperti gila. Tertawa menangis hanya untuk memaksa berpikir bahwa kamu mencintaiku. Mengharapkanku. Entahlah. Tak ada kabar sedikitpun darimu. Ketika aku mulai berbicara, maka satu dua kabar tentangmu berhamburan. Aku mulai muak dengan semua ini. Kenapa menungguku. Lelah. Aku mencoba untuk berhenti. Aku yakin aku mampu berhenti mengharapkanmu. Aku mampu melupakanmu. Sedikitpun aku berusaha memaksa aku bisa tanpamu. Berhenti berharap segala tentang dirimu janjimu atau mimpi kita. Atau mimpiku saja. Ya aku saja. Menyalahkan. Ya menyalahkan. Ketika kau tau aku ingin jauh benar-benar jauh darimu, tak ada lagi jarak atau pun waktu yang dapat terhitung. Maka kamu akan diam. Aku tau. Kamu akan diam. Entahlah. Itu yang membuatku bertanya “Mungkinkah cinta itu memang benar-benar ada ?” Kadang kamu melakukan sesuatu dan hatiku pun yakin benar adanya.
Apa salahku kau buat begini
Kau tarik ulur hatiku hingga sakit yang ku rasa
Apa memang ini yang kamu inginkan
Tak ada sedikitpun niat tuk serius kepadaku
Katakan yang sebenarnya
Jangan mau tak mau seperti ini
Akhirnya kini aku mengerti apa yang ada di pikiranmu selama ini
Kau hanya ingin permainkan perasaanku
Tak ada hati tak ada cinta
Apa memang ini yang kamu inginkan
Katakan yang sebenarnya
Jangan mau tak mau seperti ini
Akhirnya kini aku mengerti apa yang ada di pikiranmu selama ini
Kau hanya ingin permainankan perasaanku
Tak ada hati tak ada cinta …
( D’Masiv – Apa Salahku )
Yang namanya manusia memang hobi berdusta. Bila hamba sudah di landa gejolak membara. Amarahku hanya bisa diam. Bohong kalau aku bilang aku mau melupakanmu ketika emosiku meluap. Bohong kalau aku lelah. Bohong kalau aku ingin berhenti untuk mencintaimu. Semua hanya ekspresi. Seperti dalam dialog film remaja. Ketika sang pacar mulai melakukan kesalahan maka pasangannya akan menangis menghujat bahkan mengakhiri cinta mereka. Namun aku sanggup, untuk sebuah mimpi yang selama ini aku rajut hanya dengan kamu. Berpikir saja. Tuhan menciptakan manusia. Yang memiliki kelebihan dan kekurangan. Wajar seorang manusia melakukan kesalahan. Dan Manusia bisa menjadi malaikat untuk manusia lainnya.
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